What is Love?

November 30, 2009 lizacoroneza

This blog is supposed to be my “LOVE BLOG”. Wherein I share stuffs I love, people I love and activities I love. But, I am so devastated today. Since Saturday, I feel very uneasy. My emotions seems to mix again. I was very happy at a certain point, but I became very irritated, then happy again.

It all began when I decided to date. I wear a nice dress (mini-skirt). We were in a very nice place. I got irritated when I waited for 25 minutes. He said he was coming, on his way to where I am. BUT hindi pa pala. He was about to finish the movie, but when I came to our meeting place: WALA PA SIYA. He’s not yet there. He’s still in the movie house. I’m waiting in vain along Serendra. I was not sitting down. I was standing wearing my quirky white and brown dress. After that, he didn’t apologize nicely. He reacted as if I was wrong. He said I didn’t tell him that I’m there already. (I have been calling him like 10 times and telling him that we’ll meet na, and I’ve been telling him that I’m there na in our meeting place for 25 minutes) I was expecting that he might bring flowers for making me wait. BUT NO! He didn’t. I don’t know if he really loves me. I didn’t know that he’s not sweet. He’s just sweet when he wants to, but if circumstances fail him, he won’t. and I don’t like it very much. We’re okay after we walked and bought starbucks and sit down at xocolat–drank aztec hot chocolate and went home very happy.

We went to date again the next day. Just to make up for the mishap we had the other day. And He insisted to finish the movie he was watching. So I was like, uh-okay. We’re happy during our date. Until we went home. We have this exchange gift every week in our house. So we’re waiting for the other housemates to go home and together we will open the presents. Unfortunately, 2 housemates were not at home. We waited until 12mn. I want to open my present. He doesn’t want to. He said I WAS SO UNFAIR. I was hurt, deeply hurt. All I wanted is to open the gift. I just want to see it. I just want to experience getting a gift. I was so hurt that i don’t want to talk to him. I slept on the couch. We’re texting and I told him that he never said sorry to me. He never apologize nicely. He just said sorry, without any grace and love. I hate it. It’s like he doesn’t care for me. It looks like he don’t love me.

I was imagining the man who loves me deeply (unfortunately, I don’t love him yet). I was imagining that he is taking me to the park, we’re walking until our feet hurts. We’re having a picnic and he’s telling me that he loves me. He’s telling me that if ever we have an argument, he’ll be the first one to tell me sorry. He’ll give me flowers and hug me and tell me that he can’t live without me. I want that kind of man. I want a man who treats me like his princess. I wasn’t treated as a princess (maybe because I act like a boy). But it’s not a reason for not treating me like a woman.

As I sleep on the couch, my tears are flowing while I imagine that “man” strolls me at the park, surprise me every single date we had, and I was not spending any penny for it. He did it because he loves me and wants to take care of me.

Why? All I wanted it love. My papa never had a time that he didn’t care for my mama. Although they don’t show it often, but I feel it. I super feel it. Now, I have my man, I don’t feel it. I can see his passion, but it seems like his heart is not into it anymore. I want him to love me. I love him very much. I was the one who keeps on humbling myself before him. I was the one who keeps on giving him surprises. I was the one who says sorry to him in a very gentle manner.

I remembered. God told me that I’ll spend the rest of my life with him. I said, “I don’t like”. It was because of this attitude. He doesn’t want fancy stuffs for his girl. He was okay for a time. But heck, it will be 2 years next year since I said yes to him. I said yes because God destined me to be with him. Okay, kinda wrong. But I knew all along that I love him. He was the man I want minus the un-gentleman factor.

waaaa… I’m kinda torn. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if he’ll apologize just as I wanted. I don’t know if he’ll like the idea of giving me chocolates or flowers for my comfort. I don’t know. He was never like that. He will just say sorry then we’re okay. I wanted to be treated differently. I want to feel being treated as a special person. I want someone who takes care of me, because in return I will truly take care of him. I will make him feel very very special.

I don’t know love anymore. My heart broke. It hurts so much. And the one who cause it doesn’t want to heal it. He doesn’t want to face his mistake.

In the end, I’d still hold on to this word: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast… it doesn’t keep a record of wrong..”

I won’t keep this until he apologize. Maybe that’s why his parents are separated. waaa.. I don’t want to say that. But as I can see, it looks like that.

I’m torn. Logging Off.

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